Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling
by ecnal nogardnap
Summary: With the DW6 videos out on the net, our 'heroes' discuss their new wardrobe...sounds boring? Yeah. But it's worth a quick laugh!
1. Chapter 1

**Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling**

**Summary:** While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…

**Disclaimer:** Koei owns Dynasty Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE!

**Author's notes:** I love the redesigns, really. It'd also help if you've looked up the new videos can cutscenes of Dynasty Warriors 6. This fic was made to just laugh at some of the odder designs seen.

Li Wen gazed at the group of reporters gathered to discuss the new designs of the warriors. He snorted with disdain at how ridiculous the whole thing seemed but smiled at the thought that it would be amusing.

"OK, people, while we're here, let me lay some ground rules down: NO shipping. NO flaming. NO elitist interpretations. NO attempting to find a connection between Dynasty Warriors and…and…I dunno, nuclear warfare!

"NO rushing, NO breathing on the characters, and absolutely NO shipping!"

"You said shipping twice, mister."

"I threw that in to see if you were paying attention. Very good. Nerds."

Awkward silence filled the room and the created warrior cleared his throat.

"Very well. We are all here to see the reactions of the Dynasty Warriors to their redesigns. With DW6, even greater interactivity and more outrageous combos are available to us. And, consequently, proportionally bigger cutscenes and paychecks. This is all thanks to the advanced and, might I add, VERY expensive Playstation 3.

"With that, I bid you a good day, and let's get this show on the road!"

Li Wen turned to your computer monitor and winked.

"And I know YOU'VE just read the ground rules I've laid down."

_-The DW studio…-_

Zhuge Liang fanned himself calmly, believing that his redesign wasn't very far removed from his old designs. Flowing robes with more designs. Sima Yi was pleased with his own design but held his weapon with a confused expression.

"What is this? A sash? A sword? I have no idea."

Zhuge Liang laughed.

"Stop worrying, Sima Yi. The way we're designed to look like colourful Japanese mecha, we could be worse off. Think of what they're doing with Pang Tong or Wei Yan."

Sima Yi shuddered at the thought of the radical hippy and the radically masked savage turning even MORE radical.

The Sun family (except Quan, for his redesign wasn't revealed yet) weren't that happy. Sun Jian and Huang Gai in particular looked in the studio mirror repeatedly.

"Oh my GOD!" Sun Jian yelped.

"We're OOOOOOLD! Just look at us!" Huang Gai moaned.

"Is that…is that WHITE HAIR on me?"

"And me!"

"I knew I should have kept my helmet on…"

Sun Shang Xiang and Sun Ce tried to calm their father and his buddy down.

"There, there, dad…"

"You're only as young as you feel, y'know."

"But I feel OOOOOOOOOLD!"

Shang Xiang sighed.

"Well, at least YOU weren't turned into a Qiao sister crossed with a sex symbol…I mean, look at this outfit! Miniskirt, cleavage, bright colours, a bow and arrow, and my face looks like it had plastic surgery!"

Sun Ce attempted in vain to scratch an itch but was blocked by the new suit of armour he was given.

"Damned formal armour! I HATE it! HATE it!"

Zhou Yu frowned at Sun Ce in his new…martial arts outfit…with what appeared to be a…bo staff…and he had a pony-tail…

"That look should have been placed on ME! I'M the chief commander around here!"

Sun Ce turned to look at his best friend. When they realised that their looks had suddenly been reversed, they let out a scream which would have been heard only by a dog. Suddenly, Lu Xun, now with only one sword and wearing Zhou Yu's clothes, stepped in. Zhou Yu gave his successor a venomous glare.

"…Okay, I can explain this."

"Oh, stop whining," Xiahou Dun barked, "Just laugh at somebody else instead. Like Dong Zhuo. At least they made him fatter with less armour. He should make for an easy kill now…"

"HEY!" Dong Zhuo exclaimed, only to go back to eating the donuts in the studio.

"YOU'RE not the one with a stupid redesign, Xiahou Dun…"

"Well, I admit that I love the armour," the one-eyed warrior admitted with a cocky smirk, "But look at my hair. It's just so messy, I'm having trouble seeing with my one GOOD eye!"

Xu Zhu, with his spikier hair, rushed around the base gleefully with his newfound cape, declaring he was Superman. His comrade, Dian Wei, sighed.

"I like the tattoos and all, but a wrecking ball of all weapons?"

"Um, iron flail?" Lu Xun interjected, "They were around since the Qin Dynasty, at least, and…"

"Shut up, you geek."

Lu Xun moped in a depressed manner.

Zhang He admired his arm sashes up and down and sighed at the flowers around them.

"Well, I think I got the most graceful outfit. Paris design, a hundred percent Arabian silk, like the stuff of the gods…It's to DIE for!"

Cao Cao said nothing. But he would never admit to himself or to his co-workers that in truth…he thought the extended side-burns made him look MANLYYYYY.

Then, the warriors of Shu arrived, partly because of Shu-centric writing, partly because of the fact that their costumes were among the most radical.

Zhang Fei walked in with his new all white robe.

"STILL not used to walking in this damn thing, wh-WHOAH!"

The drunken brawler promptly tripped over his graceful but new robe. Guan Yu walked in with a sigh, donning a more heavily armoured variant of his Dynasty Warriors 3 outfit, with more colours. His hair was tied up like his adoptive son's…

"Good thing I've been wearing this since DW3…"

Xiahou Dun laughed.

"HAWHAW! Couldn't wait for your mid-life crisis to start imitating 'the duuuudes', Guan Yu?" Xiahou Dun asked mockingly. Guan Yu frowned.

"It was Ping's idea, alright? So lay off!"

Next came Zhao-

"HOLY MOTHER OF FUDGE!"

"MY EYES!!! MY EEEEEYEEEES!"

"I'm BLIIIIIIIND!"

Yes, the light reflecting off Zhao Yun's silver dragon armour which covered almost everything but his head was enough to turn even the most flamboyant bling-wearing rapper stereotype blind.

"I dunno, guys, I kinda like it," he admitted. Shang Xiang rubbed her eyes a bit before noticing Zhao Yun's rugged manly face was still unchanged.

"So do I," she purred. Zhao Yun noticed her, paused, cupped his chin in thought, and spoke.

"Nice outfit, Xiao Qiao. It's great that you got a new weapon, but don't you think you're straying a bit too close to Sun Shang Xiang?"

The newly girlyfied SSX let out a shriek of frustration.

Then, finally, the redesign that took the cake walked in. LIU BEI opened the door wide, and everyone gasped.

"INTRUDER!"

"Who sent you? Square Enix or Capcom? Is it because they can't make arcade style games like US?"

"GOT you!"

"Wait, no, I-!"

Liu Bei was promptly pinned down with weapons held to his face.

"Look, guys, it's ME! Liu Bei!"

The characters noticed the voice and stared.

"Liu…Bei…?"

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei promptly got off their sworn brother, laughing nervously.

"Sorry, brother," the bearded fighter apologised.

"Didn't notice you without facial hair!"

Yes, for not only did Liu Bei's look seem more 'volunteer army'-ish, he also…SHAAAAAAAVED!

The whole room erupted with discussion.

"Liu BEI?"

"My word, is it YOU?"

"Milord, I didn't know you were being portrayed as younger than you really were!"

"So THAT'S what he looked like behind the moustache…"

Cao Cao paused in thought. How would HE look like without facial hair?

Liu Bei sighed.

"Tell me. Do I REALLY look that different, guys?"

"YES."

"Well, it's official. Nothing ELSE Koei throws at us will surprise us now that I don't have any facial hair."

Without warning, Lu Bu walked into the room, complete with a full HELMET which bore his distinctive antennas…I mean, his phoenix plumes. And he carried some bizarre weapon which looked like two Wei Yan voulges stuck together.

An eerie silence followed.

"One crack about the helmet, how LOOOOONG the plumes are, and/or my weapon, and I swear, I will BASH your skulls in!"

**The Beginning**

**Author's notes:** For the record yet again, I love the new designs even if they're radical for a few characters. XD


	2. Wei

**Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling**

**Summary:** While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…

**Disclaimer:** Koei owns Dynasty Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE! Also, the opinions expressed in this fanfiction are al strictly my observations.

**Author's notes:** I love the redesigns, really. It'd also help if you've looked up the new videos and cutscenes of Dynasty Warriors 6. This fic was made to just laugh at some of the odder designs seen. If you're one of those Mortal Kombat-esque purists that go 'Liu Bei must have facial hair because of that one flaw the game will bankrupt Koei' that doesn't like the changes, or one of those hardcore fans that takes these things WAY too seriously, I would recommend you get out before my satires offend someone. XD

Take note, this mocks character designs. Therefore, EVERYONE is fair game, so don't play the 'ZOMG JOO MOCKED MY FAVE CHAR DIE LOLOLOL!!!111!' card. XP

Also, I would appreciate it if you used the reviews to review the STORY, not the designs. Nothing wrong there, it's just that that sort of thing is more suited to a forum where more people would readily respond instead of one crazy author with too much free time on his hands. XD

_**Chapter 2: Wei**_

Li Wen walked to the convention centre. Yesterday, the initial previews were revealed and he had already stemmed the initial onslaught by rabid fans crazy enough to infiltrate the Dynasty Warrior's studio. Now, he was dealing with the characters themselves to listen to THEIR complaints.

He was JUST going to open the door of the large palace which would house the various kingdoms and characters in order of kingdom and complaint type, when suddenly, he heard a high pitched scream.

Turning, the host character saw Sun Quan, complete with pony tail and one of several sleeveless vests now in the ensemble. The hand-me-down ruler was running at top speeds, holding on tight to his new Kris-ish weapon. And right behind him was the new-and-improved Gan Ning, with two daggers, armour and dyed hair that made him look like a Japanese rock star.

Sun Quan ducked behind Li Wen and pointed.

"LI WEN! HELP! GAN NING! He wants to HURT ME!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU GUTLESS WORM! GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF!"

Li Wen looked at Sun Quan with an arched eyebrow.

"Well…Okay…" Quan confessed, "I stole some stuff from his DW4 wardrobe because I thought 'hey, Gan Ning's popular, and he's not using his DW4 stuff', so…"

"Is this a desperate plea for popularity, Quan?"

"…Yeah."

Gan Ning stomped forward menacingly.

"I SAID GIVE IT! NOW! And maybe I'll forget how you BUTCHERED my sword to get it past INTERPOL!"

Another arched eyebrow from Li Wen.

"…I had to alter the look or else it would have been confiscated."

"Ah. But Gan Ning, what's wrong with your look? Armour aside, you STILL look like a pirate. Especially with the daggers."

"Yeah, but without my sword…I uh…"

At this point, the pirate that EVERYBODY (but me) loved dropped his voice to the littlest whisper.

"I feel like I need to compensate for something."

Li Wen and Sun Quan both stared blankly.

It was going to be a loooooong day.

_-Later that day. Convention. Assembly hall. Free luncheon.-_

While Dong Zhuo and Xu Zhu wolfed down the vast 41 character smorgasbord laid out, Li Wen addressed the crowd with a megaphone.

"Glad you could all make it, guys. Right, I'd like you to follow the signs to your respective Kingdoms, and after that follow more signs into whatever room fits you. Like if you hate your look, your weapon, or both, or something else. Then, a dedicated staff will see to your needs. Koei and the author would also like to thank you for putting on ridiculous outfits and outrageous weapons for the purpose of-"

At that moment, Zhang He, who was on the verge of tears, broke down and started crying.

"OHHH THE BRUTALITY! EveniftheygavemeastunningParisianoutfit, THEY GAVE ME A BRUTISH HALBERD!"

Li Wen signalled, and at that moment, two ninjas, namely the creepy Fuuma Kotaro and the mysterious Hattori Hanzo leapt from the ceiling and tackled Zhang He down, sedating him with an injection.

"THAT was the additional staff I was talking about. Anyways, we appreciate you getting all dressed up for our entertainment by inflicting mass destruction on any chosen battlefield. Now break!"

The crowd, some happy, some grumbling, dispersed. Dong Zhuo and Xu Zhu, however, were still eating.

"Yukimura? Mitsuhide?"

The hotheaded hero and calm pretty boy of Samurai Warriors attempted to drag the two away, but even two to one wasn't enough to move the two tubbies.

"Right. This may take some work."

_-Wei section, WEIting room…-_

"I can't believe he thought he could get away with that pun…" Cao Pi sneered in contempt at my obviously WITTY play on the Wei Kingdom's name. Zhen Ji yawned.

"Nevermind, darling. The boy is obviously flustered that the only way he could get a laugh from his reviewers is by pointing out existing things. OBVIOUSLY he has no original material with which to hit us."

While the ice queen was BLISSFULLY unaware that I had at least THREE original AND marketable ideas for writing (because I don't LIKE her), their interviewer came in. The Fool From Owari…

"DEMON LORD."

Fine. Fine. The DEMON LORD, Nobunaga Oda!

"Right. So who wants to complain about what?"

Xiahou Dun, cynical as ever, jerked his thumb in the direction of a weeping Zhang He, who was beginning to rust Cao Ren's immense armour…

"Better take care of him before he drowns us out like Pang De at Fan castle."

"Fine. State your business, fool."

Zhang He wiped his tears away and, in typical Zhang He style, pirouetted with astounding grace towards one of the most infamous Japanese warlords.

"Well, although my new outfit REEKS of beauty," Zhang He started with a purr, admiring his sashes, "I'm afraid THIS weapon is murder!"

Zhang He held up the item which had wronged him so. Nobunaga didn't even flinch, as crazy as the scene was. No, his look was still as hate-filled and calculating as it always was.

"A halberd."

"EXACTLY! TWO hands...I can't even pose! And…and…it simply LACKS any graceful accessories! And…just LOOK at it!"

Nobunaga Oda just glared at Zhang He with enough venom to poison the British Royal Family for ten generations fifteen times over.

"You through?"

Zhang He shrinked back.

"Yes…I believe I am."

"Now, next? Wait…aren't characters happy with their look and or having minor complaints only supposed to be in this room?"

Cao Ren shrugged.

"Weeeell, yeah, but the sedative wore off just a few minutes after those ninjas applied it."

"Fools…"

Cao Cao had gotten over his joy at his sideburns looking MANLY and was as composed as he ever was. Cao Pi approached his father and attempted to strike up conversation.

"The new robes and single swords emphasise we're good fencers, eh, father?"

"Indeed, son. But you'll never look as awesome, dignified or MANLY as me."

OK, maybe not completely gotten over his joy.

"I'm going to KILL you and your sideburns one day, father…" Cao Pi gritted silently.

"Come again, son?"

"I said, I'd KILL to look like you and your sideburns one day, father."

"Hmm. I THOUGHT you said that."

Nobunaga, eager to get this over with and get his reward of time travelling monkeys to retrieve future weapons (well, the author SOUNDED like he knew what he was doing…) waggled a finger to call the next one.

Cao Ren cleared his throat and spoke in his usual calm voice, struggling to get up.

"Well, yes. I like this armour. Really I do. It's like my buckler blade all over my body. And the spear is useful. It's slow, but I never was a sprinter. Only thing is…"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeees?"

"…I have to go."

Nobunaga sighed. With a quick slice of his EEEEVIIIIL blade, he sliced open the uh…_lower_ sections of Cao Ren's armour.

"Hey, thanks!"

"Next."

"Yes well…the claws are unique, and indeed, I DO look like one of those evil Chinese wizards in retro movies!" Sima Yi announced.

"Dully noted."

"Lord Cao Cao was right! The subway diet finally trimmed me down!" Xu Zhu happily declared.

"Not that I care."

"My-"

"DON'T tell me. You LOVE the sideburns. And the robe and cape."

"Well, yes."

Cao Pi frowned at this poorly done quick slide show of character opinions.

"Well, I look like a junior Cao Cao. Stylish, yes, but I'm sure they could do better than THAT."

"I'm not even going to petition these things to Koei, so you just say what you will," an apathetic Nobunaga replied.

"Well, the new chain is nice, and the outfit is sleek," Zhen Ji started, "But I miss the flute. For one thing, it didn't always tear up this outfit of mine, which is skimpier than in the last three games."

All of Wei, whether in the waiting room or one of the special rooms, ogled the ice princess, proving her point.

"But yes. I suppose such is the price of beauty…STOP that."

"But I like mi-hi-hiiiiiilk…" Xu Zhu whined, taking his glare away from said…um….milk.

Dian Wei grinned broadly, stating that the weapon's range was enough to not hit himself with, and the gruff look was badass.

Xiahou Dun himself simply snorted.

"I suppose I like the look. It certainly fits the weapon, what with long flowing armour and a polearm. It's hard transitioning from cutting things to breaking things, but I DO love to smash things. I didn't even KNOW these polearms could cause explosions!"

"Right. Now let me-"

"NOT quite," Cao Cao admonished his Japanese counterpart, "There are still three of our warriors left. Zhang Liao has an issue with his design, Xu Huang and Xiahou Yuan with both design and weapon."

"Feh…of COURSE."

_-Design-only section…-_

"Right. What's the problem, as if I care…"

"Well, _I ZHANG LIAO, SEVERER OF THE THREADS OF WU'S DESTINY-"_

"GET to the point."

"…I miss my moustache. I lack so much facial hair."

"…That's it?"

"Well, the armour's a lot less comfy and tighter now, rather than my old hat and cloth/leather combo…In fact, I think it's chafing right now…"

"NO. Don't. Just don't. Don't go there. No. No. No. You crazy? No. Crazy guy."

_-Design and weapon section…-_

"OK…who first?" a weary Nobunaga asked when he saw Xiahou Yuan pulling on the tassel in Xu Huang's helmet. Xu Huang slapped the tubby warrior away and got up.

"Yes, that would be I, Xu Huang?"

"…Will you Chinese stop announcing your arrivals?"

"Sorry."

"Right. Complain now so I can get my time travelling monkeys…stupid lame joke by the author…"

"Well…It's just…the outfit is nice to look at, but…it's entirely impractical from a warrior's standing!"

"Do tell," Nobunaga mentioned with mock sincerity.

"I mean…the tassel is an easy target. My limbs are too exposed. And this weapon? The crooked scythe of mine?" Xu Huang added, waving Yue Ying's old weapon around, "It lacks the force and coverage of my battleaxe! And I historically had a battleaxe! I'm a pale shadow of my former self!!!"

"…Right. Now get out of here. And you. Fat man with the giant sword."

Xiahou Yuan got up and snorted while Xu Huang sadly walked out.

"Not fat. Just big boned."

"Whatever."

"Yeah, well…every DW game, it's the same. 'Oh, Xiahou Yuan is nothing but a Huang Zhong clone! The weapon, the moveset, the bows and arrows!' And I go to ALL the trouble of getting a new weapon to PROVE I'm not like the old fart…And now we're even more alike than before! We've got large cleave weapons! We lack bow and arrow attacks! We even have the same moveset, man! It's horror! I can't take it! My fans'll be bitching about this non-stop!"

"…A fat man like you has fans?"

"…Say, why do we have to have Nobunaga as our counsellor? I don't have to put up with this jerk!"

"Because the author arbitrarily picked the first character he could think of which fits your team. You think I ENJOY this job?"

The Japanese warlord was granted a blank stare.

"Fine. I love insulting you. But I don't like everything else. Although…"

Nobunaga Oda looked out and, like the rest of the Wei team, was ogling Zhen Ji.

"That's it," the ice princess declared, "Koei can kiss my contract goodbye!"

"NOOOO! COME BACK, MILK!" Xu Zhu screamed as Zhen Ji walked off.

Nobunaga sneered.

"I give this game two weeks. Tops."

**To Be Continued**

Author's notes: Well, with that done, only two kingdoms and a bunch of extras left!


	3. Wu

**Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling**

**Summary:** While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…

**Disclaimer:** Koei owns Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE! Also, the opinions expressed in this fanfiction are all strictly my observations.

**Author's notes:** Hey everyone! Thanks for waiting! Like I've said multiple times, I am a VERY lazy author!

Once more, I would appreciate it if you used the reviews to review the STORY, not the designs. Nothing wrong there, it's just that that sort of thing is more suited to a forum where more people would readily respond instead of one crazy author with too much free time on his hands. XD

Fun fact: At the time of this update, I was aware of the DW6 Special for the PS2! I'll go into THAT in the bonus chapter!

_**Chapter 3: Wu**_

Li Wen rubbed his temples and then massaged his brows under the sheer stress. Xu Zhu may have gone with his kingdom, but Don Zhuo was still there, hogging the food. To add insult to injury, Meng Huo and the Nanman clan were-

"Meng Huo?! You aren't even in this game, dangit!"

"Who cares? ! Free food!"

Even three normally built characters weren't able to budge them, though the lesser peons of the south were easily swatted away in typical Koei beat 'em up style.

"Goemon! I know you haven't been around since SW1, but get 'em away!"

The fat thief with the cannon and mace tumbled forward but as soon as he noticed the entire buffet, he too rushed forward and started to scarf the food down.

"This had better be worth it…" the perspective OC muttered.

_-Wu's section. No Wu related puns here.-_

"I hope we don't get that Oda fellow…I saw him walking in the building with his evil glowing sword!" Xiao Qiao whined innocently. The composed Lu Meng, posing in his new, dignified strategist's robe, huffed.

"Don't worry. I saw him headed for Wei."

Lu Xun, relaxed that Zhou Yu was not around to kill him for raiding his DW3 wardrobe and making some alterations, looked around in earnest curiosity.

"But who would they send to US?"

Taishi Ci sat Sun Quan down with a sigh.

"Will you PLEASE calm down, my lord? Gan Ning is NOT going to harm you. Even if he wanted to, he is detained in the weapons-only room.

"B-B-B-But he said he'd KILL me! I mean, I took the man's clothes, added a sash, and carved a line in the middle of his sword!"

"Yes, well, maybe you should have put a lot more thought into your design, but such is the price of popularity."

"Greetings, Chinese! The true master of the Art of Warfare is here!"

Shingen Takeda, wearing his lion-like mask which looked like he stole it from a kabuki stage-

"Shh! Not so loud! The Anegawa Kabuki Troupe is still looking for me!"

...Right. Shingen Takeda, in his lion-like mask, marched (well, more like crawled) into the room. Crouched down like a waiting tiger (he thought) he raised a hand and waved at the Wu characters.

"Yo! I'm Shingen, and I'll be your surveyor!"

The pompous but warm man got up and dusted himself off with his tessen war fan, easily capable of causing explosions, earth quakes, or gale force winds.

"Wait a minute," the logical Lu Meng interjected, "How are YOU suited to interviewing US? I mean, what is the connection?"

"Oh, it's simple! Your rulers are descended from Sun Tzu! And I have always been an admirer of the man's work!"

The characters stared, not willing to believe that the author had actually thought that one through.

"...Fine. I'm the leader of the red forces, so naturally he picked me.

"So, what seems to be the problem? Or should I say lack of a problem?" he began cheerily.

Xiao Qiao got off her seet and raised her hands.

"Ooo! Ooo! Me first! Me first! My outfit is SOOOOOOO cute! I mean, sure, it sucks that my sister isn't in it, but our movesets were so similar I'm afraid they had to go with the wife of someone with a unique moveset! And I really like it and my fans are the same, and I'm just so thrilled to be in this game!"

Shingen dabbed his brush and wrote down on a scroll, chuckling.

"Right, little missy. That's done. Who's next?"

Lu Meng raised a hand.

"I'd like to say that even the fur is a nice look, and my weapon is actually one of the few that's unchanged. I just wish they gave me a cooler pose or something in the game. Really makes me look like a rugged field strategist...which I am."

Lu Xun got up and raised his sword.

"Right, and I...uh...hold on..."

The successor of Lu Meng and Zhou Yu looked around. Zhou Yu was nowhere to be seen. He sighed in relief.

"Alright. Well. It's very different from what I traditionally have, but I have to admit that using a single _jian..._"

"I'm sorry, what?" Shingen interrupted.

"I said that a single _jian..._"

"What was that?"

Lu Xun waved his sword around.

"_Jian! Jian!_ My SWORD!"

"Ohhh. Why didn't you say so?"

"Wait a second," Taishi Ci began, "If you like our culture so much, shouldn't you know that _jian_ means straight sword?"

"...I never claimed to be an expert. For example. The Dragon Boat Race. What the heck is THAT about?"

"That's to celebrate a patriotic poet," Lu Meng sighed.

"Ah. And Chinese New Year. What's THAT for?"

"The new year?" Xiao Qiao guessed to try and be helpful.

Shingen cleared his throat.

"Continue!"

"...So...my..._sword..._is a nice departure. Very elegant and agile moveset, suits me a lot. My outfit is also great. It really suits-"

"You look JUST like my husband!" Xiao Qiao expressed bubbly.

Lu Xun looked down, depressed.

"Well...I like it...yeah..."

Taishi Ci dragged Sun Quan forward.

"He's happy too."

"Uh. Yeah. I uh...look like Gan Ning. Who is popular. Therefore, I must be popular too, right?"

Shingen laughed uneasily and patted the poor unfortunate monarch on the shoulder.

"Sure you are, my boy. Sure you are."

Taishi Ci sighed. It wasn't easy serving the Sun family. Still, he continued to talk.

"And as for me. Although I would have preferred my bludgeons, I kind of like this big trident. It complements the armour quite well, and I AM known for being well-armoured. This happens to be a pretty good looking and functional design, I might add."

Shingen finished writing all that down.

"Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go before my mask is confiscated and-"

"Hold it! My brother and father and bodyguard need your help! Well, my father and brother, anyway...Zhou Tai took the weapon change better than I thought."

Shinge Takeda sighed.

"Fine. But the longer I stay, the more likely the Kabuki Troupe will triangulate my position and capture me. They have GPS tracking devices in these things!"

_-Design-only section…-_

Sun Jian and Huang Gai, war buddies, couldn't stop staring into the mirror, tracing the white hair adorning their heads.

"By the gods! I could be my children's grandfather!"

"I could be YOUR grandfather!"

"Well, I could be your grandfather's grandfather!"

"Well, I-"

"STOOOOOOP!" cried the Japanese warlord. He stomped over quickly, in a rush.

"What's the problem?"

"WE'RE OOOOOOLD!" both warriors said concurrently.

"Nonsense. You're vigorous enough to be in this game."

"But look at our hair!"

"I can practically feel the osteoporosis in my bones!"

"Wait a minute, how do you know what osteoporosis is?"

"Well, when I thought I was getting old, I used the computer in the studio to look up symptoms. AND I CAN FEEL MY BONES CRUMBLING INTO POWDER!"

"…Fine. You don't like the white hair. Anything else about your design?"

Sun Jian and Huang Gai suddenly regained their composure and talked normally.

"What, the outfits?"

"Oh, we love THOSE. They look great on us. I just wish my club got a better moveset but it still looks great."

"…So you're only worried about getting old?"

The two senior Wu warriors cried.

_-Weapon-only section…-_

Zhou Tai glared at Gan Ning who was fiddling with his daggers.

"…What?" the pirate (the one with bells) finally asked.

"Unbelievable. Your old moveset heavily resembled the others. The only thing you seriously had going for you was your musou. You FINALLY get a unique moveset. And you're in HERE?"

"What can I say? You shouldn't fix something that's not broken!"

"I lost a katana, man! A KATANA! That's a lot worse than gaining a kickboxing combat style!" the gruff voiced Zhou Tai exclaimed with surprising passion.

Shingen made his way in.

"Somebody mentioned something about a katana?"

Zhou Tai pointed at Gan Ning.

"Talk to the crybaby first. Maybe you can dry his tears off with one of his fans."

Shingen shrugged.

"Eh. Alright."

The surprisingly strong Takeda clan head grabbed one of the fans huddled in the room and, amidst many protests, attempted to wipe Gan Ning's face clean of any possible tears with the person's body.

"WHA-HEY-CUT IT OUT! ! ! ! ! NOT COOL, MAN!!"

Shingen shrugged.

"Sorry. Your friend seemed so serious. I thought he meant it."

"It's ZHOU TAI. He ALWAYS sounds like that!"

"Oh. Anyways, what seems to be the problem?"

"Look, as much as I like looking like some golden haired lion, I want my sword! It's who I am! It's even called the SEA MASTER!"

"Funny. That weird hat-wearing original character said it was because you needed to compensate for other things which are small. Like your peeeeeeeeach seed sized bells."

"Uh…right…well…uh…HE LIES! I am NOT compensating for anything because I am PURELY AWESOME!"

Shingen continued fanning himself, not in the least impressed by the gruff bandit.

"Right. You feel even smaller. And you? The one with the katana?"

Zhou Tai sighed and drew his weapon, now a large curved sword, almost like a scimitar or Chinese broadsword.

"The weapon looks nice. It could have worked. Sadly, my moveset was made one of the placeholder ones. It might have been better suited to Huang Zhong or Xiahou Yuan…they're more conventional fencers…"

"But it's historically accurate."

Zhou Tai shrugged reluctantly.

"Yeeeeaaaaah, I guess, but when has the series bothered to be accurate?"

"…Good point. Even I'M feeling the effects of that. I should be dead by now, y'know," Shingen admitted. Mikatagahara should have done him in a few times…

"By the way, that's an awesome looking cape. Did it get that way?"

"Oh, actually, I laboriously drew up concept art for it myself and made the precise cuts so that it'd look like a set of dark wings. It took me thirty seven tries to get it right."

"Wow."

_-Design and weapon section…-_

Sun Shang Xiang, Zhou Yu, Sun Ce, and Ling Tong. The last four. They didn't like how they looked or what they used. As Shingen entered the room, he could sense the distinct negative vibe in the area.

"Whoa."

Ling Tong got up and held his weapon towards Shingen.

"'Whoa' is right! We've got a bone to pick with you guys!"

Unable to handle the weight of his new halberd/poleaxe, Ling Tong promptly fell forward with the heavy polearm, stumbling and tripping over the shaft.

SSX, my favourite target in fanfiction, was the first to speak.

"Just LOOK AT ME!"

"If you say so, little girl."

"AAARGH! ! ! I'm not a little girl, I'm a YOUNG WOMAN! I've been a tomboy for four games, not counting expansions and crossovers! And THIS is how your stupid game corporation thanks me? ! I demand justice! And look at this!"

She held out her bow.

"I did NOT train in martial arts just to shoot things from a distance! I am a sexy female vixen warrior with an indomitable spirit, bound to introduce feminism! You think I can promote feminism or romance officers looking like THIS?"

Sun Ce raised a hand.

"I dunno, sis. The Qiaos seem to romance us quite well."

"Yeah, well, I don't WANT to be rescued from kidnapping attempts! I want buff bishounen guys to rescue me and ruin the Shu-Wu treaty!" the princess whined.

Shingen waved his fan as if to cool off the hothead and laughed jovially.

"I see, I see. Well, don't worry. Plenty of people will write those things for you."

"AAAAAH!!"

Ling Tong's sudden shout of effort caught everyone by surprise. They saw him lift his halberd up only to have it fall backwards with its sheer weight, dragging him along with it.

"This weapon is NOT what defines me! The nunchuks WORKED!"

"You know, I heard they weren't even from China in the first place."

"NOT IMPORTANT! I had something that worked and they took it away from me! To make matters worse, I look less like Bruce Lee and more like Chuck Norris!" he shouted, gesturing to his rippling pecs outlined by the new streamlined outfit.

"Have you any idea what it's like getting stares from Zhang He? !"

Shingen was taken aback by this statement.

"Wait a second…he's GAY?"

"That's still up for debate," Zhou Yu replied.

"Yes, he's gay." Sun Ce deadpanned.

"TOTALLY queer…" Shang Xiang muttered with disgust.

Shingen gagged and spoke again.

"Right, well…I think we WILL have to do something about that…And you two? The couple, right?"

"What…?"

"Ew, NO!"

"Huh? But that kid with the hats referred to you as a couple or something."

"Li Wen?" Zhou Yu gasped, shocked that such a buffoon would be placed in charge of these interviews.

"Li Wen can't say anything without referencing a piece of fanfiction! Don't listen to him!" Sun Ce implored.

"Besides, I'm a GUY!" Zhou Yu asserted. An awkward pause followed as Shingen took in the second piece of ambiguous sexuality for the day.

"…You ARE? I could've SWORN you were a girl…I mean, I thought you were just by looking at you, and he said you were a couple…"

"We have FANFICS where we're a couple."

Not eager to cause another scene, the Takeda leader continued.

"So what seems to be the problem, you two…uh…guys?"

"You mean BESIDES the assumption we're a couple?" Zhou Yu muttered under his breath snidely.

"Well, it's just that our looks are totally reversed!" Sun Ce said, "I'M the martial arts guy in loose leather armour, and HE'S the dignified strategist field commander! I should be getting a bo staff or something, and HE should be getting this halberd thing!"

"Actually," Zhou Yu cut in, "I want a sword. And yes. What were they THINKING? You look at Sun Ce, you think martial arts. You look at me, you think strategist. And NOW?"

Shingen nodded sympathetically.

"I get you. You're an inversion of OUR problem. You've got straight people in gay outfits…we've got gay people in straight outfits."

"Wait, you do?"

"Oh, sure! It's even in our history! In fact, quite a few of us actually-"

Shingen didn't get a chance to finish his sentence because suddenly, a stage of cherry blossoms erupted from the ground. Several elaborately dressed actors and actresses wearing masks and/or make-up danced out from behind the trees, led by none other than Okuni, the dancing priestess of Samurai Warriors.

"Pshaaaw, Shingen! You didn't think you could escape the Anegawan Kabuki Troupe, did you?"

"Oh no! They're here!"

"Don't worry," the alluring young woman purred, "We'l be sure to hand in your results. But you STOLE that mask from us, and you must pay the penalty."

Keiji Maeda danced on stage, his face painted to match his wild hair.

"Yeah, what the lady said! We're takin' you DOWN, old man!"

"Oh no! Not THEM!" Shingen cried dreadfully.

**To Be Continued**

Author's notes: Craaaaawliiiiiing to the eeeeeeend…sounds like an emo rock band's lyrics, eh? Thanks for listening, folks! Shu and the unaligned characters are left, and after that, a bonus dedicated to the Dynasty Warriors 6 Special coming out for the PS2!


	4. Shu

**Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling**

**Summary:** While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…

**Disclaimer:** Koei owns Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE! Also, the opinions expressed in this fanfiction are all strictly my observations. Also, characters are placed in their sections partly because of my opinions and partly because I think it's what they'd say. I might be perfectly happy with a look even if a character isn't, and vice versa.

**Author's notes:** And we're back! The end approaches! Two more chapters after this, and I'll have made fun of DW6! With any luck, DW7 will have come out by then!

Once more, I would appreciate it if you used the reviews to review the STORY, not the designs. Nothing wrong there, it's just that that sort of thing is more suited to a forum where more people would readily respond instead of one crazy author with too much free time on his hands. XD

_**Chapter 4: Shu**_

By now the buffet was a lost cause. Li Wen could only ensnare the characters that were done or distracted and drag them away, hoping to salvage SOME refreshments for the other characters. Even in a fanfiction, catering didn't come cheap!

Just then, Nobunaga and Okuni reappeared.

"Ah. How'd it go?"

The Demon King handed a list of complaints from Wei.

"Now where are my time-travelling monkeys? They'd BETTER do everything I say after all I went through in that madhouse."

"But you LOVE to sadistically mock people."

"Well, yes."

"And just where is Shingen?"

Okuni laughed with a hand over her mouth.

"Hohoho…the rude thief has been _dealt with_, shall we say, young master, hmm?"

Li Wen shuddered.

"Man, you guys freak me out. And weren't your roles gender reversed or something?"

Okuni laughed once more.

"I just hope Kanetsugu is having an easier time with Shu…"

_-Shu, the favourite of Li Wen…-_

Guan Yu stroked his impressive beard with one hand, holding onto the Green Dragon with the other. His sworn brother, Zhang Fei, was helping himself to the mini bar while Zhao Yun polished his armour, Ma Chao leaned against a wall nonchalantly, and Huang Zhong admired himself in a mirror, brushing the fur that was adorned over his leather armour.

"Bah! These futuristic drinks are worthless, elder brother!" Zhang Fei complained, "They're so tiny, no wonder they call it a mini-bar!"

"You realise you'll have to pay for that, right?"

"Bah! Let them come! Zhang Fei fears NOBODY! Y'hear me? NOBODY!"

Ma Chao snorted in an attempt to be solemn. However, like Cao Cao before him, he absolutely adored his new look. Although he was lacking the splendid armour he was made famous for, the new more streamlined look was useful in battle and suited his role as a warrior trained at the border.

Besides! He had a forehead protector, and he was a closet fan of Naruto!

That was when Kanetsugu Naoe walked in. Kenshin's officer and Yukimura's friend, a focused warrior dedicated to justice and blowing things up with paper charms. He decided to help out the author and volunteered for the Shu survey. They were reasonably sane, right? Not too traumatised by their new looks, right?

"Greetings, warriors. It is interesting that all five tiger generals should be here."

"Yeah, well, we're a simple people. Give us good weapons and a nice look and we're satisfied," Zhao Yun claimed chivalrously.

"So then. Who's up first?"

Guan Yu raised his hand.

"That would be me."

Zhang Fei got up in a huff.

"YOU?"

"Yes. I'm the leader of the five tigers. It is only fitting that I should be talked to first of all. Right, this outfit shows a balance of armour and elegance, although the hair-"

"SELF-PROCLAIMED leader. Now me, THERE'S a guy you wanna interview. My shout can kill a man! Can YOUR shout kill a man? I don't think so, brother!" the drunken general proudly declared.

"Right then, I like MY get up since it looks sweet, and I got ANOTHER blade on my-"

Huang Zhong laughed haughtily.

"Young pup, the only reason that death shout worked is because the fumes of alcohol were too much for that officer!"

"Quiet, ya old coot!" Zhang Fei brusquely retorted, "The only reason you're here is because your alternate colour makes you look young again! I mean, you don't even have your own moveset!"

"The fur is a nice mountainous region touch, the colouring choice was left to the art department," the veteran insisted stubbornly, "And I keep telling you, my fighting style was made for ME! The only thing they got wrong was removing my bow and arrows! Everyone ELSE is ripping ME off, y'see?"

Ma Chao laughed.

"Please. Xiahou Yuan was better off with that moveset. If you ACTUALLY tried to pull off any of the moves you have NOW, you'd slip a disc and break your spine. I'M the one with a moveset that fits him. Controlled, practical, forceful...And my new look suits my cavalry role. Sleek, tight, keeping me covered..."

"Y'know who was better suited to have YOUR moveset? Zhang He!"

Ma Chao gasped in horror at that low blow. Zhao Yun stood up.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen! Enough bickering! I'm sure we can all agree on ONE thing!"

The others waited for a bit, wondering just what Zhao Yun had to say in his silvery armour.

"...Clearly, I should be the one to be interviewed because I'M the poster boy!"

"No way!"

"Get outta here!"

"You're not the poster boy of this series!"

"But I've got the best moveset out of everyone, and my armour's all silvery now!"

"Ahhh, shut up!"

Kanetsugu sighed as the tiger generals yelled at each other. He started walking to one of the other rooms.

"I'll just...come back later..."

The Taoist warrior left the room and headed for the other areas, not intending to come back to the room at all.

_-Design-only section…-_

Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang were, by far, the most peaceful of characters with complaints of their looks. They were sitting down at a table enjoying some herbal tea when Kanetsugu came in.

"Ah. Kanetsugu. Come in."

"Would you like some tea?"

Kanetsugu politely shook his head.

"No thanks. Did you know that your tiger generals are fighting over who's the most important?"

"Yeah. That happens. It only gets worse with each game, y'know…" Liu Bei admitted with some regret.

Zhuge Liang turned to the samurai with his legs and hands folded.

"So you are here to assess our reaction to our current outfits, am I correct?"

"Well, yeah."

"Very well. I shall go first. Although I have some fondness for my new look, I am afraid that it is a little too elaborate."

"Too elaborate?"

"Correct. Although it was a good choice to use the contrast of black and white, Yin and Yang, and the fact that I know quite a bit about astronomy, I am afraid that it is executed in a somewhat gaudy manner. As attractive as this outfit is, I am afraid that it might have been better to have cut down on certain elements. Let's say…lose the gloves, the sashes and get a haircut?"

Kanetsugu nodded. Zhuge Liang was certainly the one character who looked most like an anime incarnation. His wild hair resembled that of a Japanese rock star.

"Yeah. I don't think you were meant for anything other than well-kept hair…"

"Besides. My wife never fails to remind me to get a shave. Otherwise, I'm perfectly fine with my look. I just wish they made it simpler."

"Very well. I'm sure Koei will realise their mistakes…if they continue the franchise, of course. And you, Liu Bei? I thought you loved your new look."

Liu Bei shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

"Well, yes, but…well…the thing is…as comfortable and stylish as this is, and as much as I like dressing simple again, I'm afraid that…well…

"I think the women are giving me looks."

The samurai before them blinked twice. Then thrice.

"Excuse me?"

"I never had this problem before for the last five games, but NOW! I can't go anywhere without the ladies giggling or giving me a suggestive glance!"

Kanetsugu's jaw threatened to unhinge but he fastened it tight.

"Let me get this straight…YOU?"

"Yes. Believe me, I'm a lot more shocked than YOU are. I can't stand this attention! It's very uncomfortable, and the other guys are giving me dirty looks!

"Not only that, but anytime I'm spotted, I'm attacked!"

"But this is a war game," Naoe pointed out, "Surely you should expect to be attacked in it, right?"

"Attacked by my OFFICERS? By my BROTHERS? By my advisors' MAGIC?"

Zhuge Liang raised his fan defensively and replied in his ever serene tones.

"I apologise, my lord, but I maintain that we are all STILL working to get used to your new look."

"Last time I came to dinner, I announced myself when I was ten feet away from the dining hall! I did everything humanly possible to prove it was me, explicitly stated what I was doing and when I was entering, and all of you STILL attacked me!"

"Never thought I'd say this, but I miss facial hair…Couldn't the art crew give me somewhat messier hair? A short ponytail? A moustache? Handlebar? Beard? Soul patch? Anything?" the benevolent but worried ruler begged.

Kanetsugu shook his head regretfully.

"Sorry, Liu Bei. It's out of my hands. I suppose all you can do is enjoy being clean shaven."

The king of Han Zhong dropped his head down in despair.

"Fantastic."

_-Weapon-only section…-_

Pang Tong rapped Guan Ping's hand with his staff, causing the young warrior to withdraw his hand with a hiss.

"Go on. Try and take the pebble from my hand. I dare ya."

"I'll show you, old man!" the adopted son of Guan Yu declared defiantly.

"Y'know, technically speaking, we don't have that big an age difference…"

"Again!"

"And just why you want me to do this is beyond me. Still, it's amusing, to say the least…" the hermit said in his usual laid back manner.

Kanetsugu entered the room and sighed.

"So what's going on now?"

Guan Ping lunged forwards in an attempt to collect the stone but was whacked on the head with Pang Tong's staff.

"I'm training myself," the youth said while nursing the bump on his head.

"Boy seems to think that just because I look like a kung fu master I should be a martial arts legend or something."

"So I believe you two were here to settle the issue of your weapons?"

"Not so much weapons as movesets," the strategist cleared up. Guan Ping nodded and held up his new halberd.

"This weapon is sweet, alright. Dad won it off an auction after the battle of Xia Pi and gave it to me! Can you believe that this was once Lu Bu's weapon?"

"Actually, yes. It was one of the few weapons they got right."

"Buuuut unfortunately, my fighting style just doesn't feel right. It's true I should be forceful and it makes sense to use a stance similar to my father's, but I'm just painfully slow and stiff! Shouldn't I be youthful? I move like freaking Lu Meng!"

Pang Tong chuckled.

"Lighten up, kid. At least with you, cloning a moveset makes sense. You're like the tenth guy to use a halberd or something. Now me, I'VE got a real problem."

Kanetsugu sighed.

"Do tell."

"I've got a rare weapon. I'm one of only two people who use a wizard's staff. Couldn't they have put in a lot more thought before they made me 'crazy stick waving wizard person'? Zhang Jiao, now HE'S crazy, HE fits. But didn't you SEE what I could do in all my previous appearances? Haven't you seen me flip, levitate, and break dance?"

"Actually, I'm afraid not."

"Huh?"

Kanetsugu shook his head.

"I…DON'T know how you fight."

"…But we've got crossovers. Musou Orochi. The sequel. Surely you were in THOSE?"

"Well, I'm afraid that I was passed over for the more popular characters…nobody really played as me…"

"…You're not serious, are you?"

"No, really! Most of the regular players stuck with people they knew like Yukimura, Magoichi, Tadakatsu or Keiji…the fangirls who loved yaoi pairings stuck Yukimura with Mitsunari because he was more 'bishounen'. Heck, they even played as Nobunaga and Mitsuhide or Kenshin and Shingen…This look of mine may be cool, but it doesn't do me many favours…"

Pang Tong stared blankly.

"You're not serious about those fans, are you?"

"As a matter of fact, I am."

((Author's notes: Nope. I'm sure that all that stuff Kanetsugu mentioned was totally untrue…right?))

_-Design and weapon section…-_

Finally, the two unmentioned characters. The beauty and the beast. Wei Yan and Yue Ying. One a crocodile encased in armour, stroking his pet gator and holding onto a weird bell, the other in a miniskirt of sorts and holding onto a bow. Kanetsugu held his sword up, bent his other hand in a prayer formation, and said a small incantation which made his charms swivel around him.

"Careful Kanetsugu…these characters got a raw deal, they're liable to pound you into mush…"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!"

The leaping warrior was about to leap at Kantsugu when his paper charms instinctively stuck to the person's body and slammed the character into the wall.

"Control yourself, Yue Ying!"

Wei Yan was curled in a corner.

"Wife…scares…me…"

Yue Ying gnashed her teeth.

"Damn it, man! Look at me!"

Kanetsugu blushed. He had stuck her upside down and her miniskirt was a little upturned.

"Hold that thought."

Summoning his focus, he swiftly flipped Yue Ying right side up.

"Alright! Continue!"

"I've made a niche for myself for two games now! People were beginning to like me and get used to me! I was just fine being a dutiful wife, and NOW look at me!"

Kanetsugu struggled to look away from the skimpily dressed female.

"Trying not to."

"I can't fight like this! A bow is NOT what I'm all about! I use technical combat! I do NOT shoot people from afar! And I look like a freaking anime bimbo!"

"Aren't you overreacting? It's not the end of the world. I mean, you don't even have a musou mode. Therefore, it's not a big loss. And you're only the second person to get a bow…"

Yue Ying was incensed by these remarks on not being important enough to get a story mode. The femme fatale roared and ripped herself free of the charms and charged at Kanetsugu.

With a yelp, the Japanese samurai quickly performed his stunning move, recalling his charms and forcing them forward. The mystical papers, each with the power of a katana, slammed into Yue Ying, dizzying her. Unfortunately, out of reflex, Kanetsugu performed the second part of his attack and launched a giant magic laser through the ring formed by his charms, propelling the strategist's wife through a wall.

"Uhhh…I can fix that!"

"Hooray! Me…saved…!" Wei Yan cheered in his guttural voice.

With a sigh, Naoe determined there was only one thing left to do.

"And what's wrong now, Wei Yan?"

Wei Yan got up from his corner and waddled over with his club. The gators from his art piece followed him and purred.

"Armour…uncomfy…not like…old clothes…cloth…leather…paint…I used…to break…it…down…remember?"

"Oh yeeeaaaah. You were famous for your special spinning moves."

"Stupid…Zhao Yun…gave me armour…called it…bling! Me…SMASH…ZHAO YUN!"

With that, Wei Yan lifted up his new club, only to be forced into a squatting position by the weight of his new weapon. It didn't do wonders with his armour which chafed him already.

"AAAAAAGH!!"

Kanetsugu winced at the sight.

"And…club…heavy…stupid…I…walk…like…Xu Zhu! Fat man! Fighting style…retarded!"

Cupping his chin and edging back, Kanetsugu nodded.

"Right. I see what's going on. Now I think I'd better go, I have to…uhhh…go and interview the Tiger Generals…"

Kanetsugu ran out from the potentially dangerous room.

"WAIT! I…not…safe…here!"

Wei Yan's pleas were unheard. Suddenly emerging from the rubble, Yue Ying got up, burning with anger at the art team.

Wei Yan whimpered, immobilised by the extreme chafing of his armour.

**To Be Continued**

Author's notes: Wow! I can't believe I made it this far! Only the unaligned characters are left, and after that, a bonus dedicated to the Dynasty Warriors 6 Special coming out for the PS2! Stay tuned!


	5. Other

Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling

**Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling**

**Summary:** While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…

**Disclaimer:** Koei owns Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE! Also, the opinions expressed in this fanfiction are all strictly my observations. Also, characters are placed in their sections partly because of my opinions and partly because I think it's what they'd say. I might be perfectly happy with a look even if a character isn't, and vice versa.

**Author's notes:** And here we are! (gasp) I've gone so far! With these characters out of the way, nothing will stand in the way of the DW6 special! And beyond that, DW7! Thanks for sticking around, folks!

Once more, I would appreciate it if you used the reviews to review the STORY, not the designs. Nothing wrong there, it's just that that sort of thing is more suited to a forum where more people would readily respond instead of one crazy author with too much free time on his hands. XD

_**Chapter 5: Others**_

The buffet was a mess. It took the entire shipment of tranquiliser darts to take out Goemon and Meng Huo. Li Wen shook his head sadly at the disaster.

"Well, at least it's almost over…Huh?"

A rumbling was heard. The earth shook. As the warriors in the studio ran for cover, the rumbling got stronger and stronger. Suddenly, a gigantic coloured boot smashed through the ceiling, and a massive helmet peered into the building.

"Hello, is this where the design interviews are taking place?" a rather human voice asked through a microphone system. Li Wen realised immediately what was going on.

"Yes. But you shouldn't be here! You can't redesign Gundams!"

"Yeah, but we're part of Koei now, aren't we? We've got the Dynasty Warriors title too!"

"You can't come in here! You're robots!"

A giant red one looked down alongside the white Gundam which had broken in.

"I beg to differ. I've got a thing or two to say about my mask."

"And you are?"

"Char, of course!"

_-The other warriors…-_

Diao Chan and Zhang Jiao were waiting in the room. Well, Diao Chan was waiting. Zhang Jiao just couldn't shut up, and it was beginning to annoy Diao Chan.

"YEEEEEEESSSSSS! WIIIITH THIS NEEEEW LOOOOOK, I WILL LEEEAAAD THE HAAAAAN BACK TO RRRRRRIGHTEOUSSNESSSSSS!"

The weird cult leader leaped onto a bench and started doing his typical gestures, extending his arms to the heaven and waving his now-pointier staff around.

The sultry Diao Chan rubbed her eyebrows.

"Will you PLEASE…SHUT…UP!"

Zhang Jiao looked at her aghast.

"Such RRRRRRRUUUUUUUUDE MANNERS! You should RRRRRRREPEEEENT before heaven's FIIIIIIREEEE strrrrrrikes you DOWN!"

Diao Chan grabbed Zhang Jiao by the beard and started shaking.

"SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP?!"

"HELP! HELP!" the turban leader screamed, "I'M BEING RRRRRREEEEPRRRRESSED!"

"BLOODY PEASANT!"

"CORN BACON!"

The two of them turned. Standing at the doorway was none other than the agent of chaos, The Jok…er…I mean…Fuuma Kotaro…NOT a copyright infringement…

"By the banjos of Vishnu, what the donut are you two doing?"

The seductress and the evangelistic madman looked at the even more insane ninja that just walked in.

"Uh…what?"

"I need not explain myself to the platypus likes of you. It propagates CHAOS."

Zhang Jiao nodded his head and stroked his beard.

"The man makes SENSE!"

"Oh, gods, you're AGREEING with him…Look, Kotaro, you here to interview us? Because we really think someone else should-"

"What is the best colour?"

"Bl…NO! YEEEELLOOOOOOOW!" the enthusiastic Zhang Jiao answered.

"Uhhh…white? It contains all colours?"

"Incorrect. Peanut butter and jelly."

"…what, you mean like purple and brown? Is that the best colo-"

"Now tell me. When a wolf is biting you in the radius bone, what is the best remedy?"

"Yooouuu SET the WOLF on FIIIIRE!"

"Wait, hold on, you're not making any sense-"

"Valid point. I would have said Wilhelm scream."

Zhang Jiao turned to Diao Chan.

"I think I LIIIIIIKE this one!"

"YOU would."

Diao Chan sighed and shook her head.

"Zhang Jiao, this stupid story has gone on long enough. You and me, we're going to write down our own responses and give them directly to Li Wen."

"But can't we give them to THIIIIIS ninja?" the fire-spewing wizard cackled.

"No! Don't you see? He'd probably eat our responses, or drink them, or make shurikens out of them or something, just because it's chaotic! He'd delay our responses to prolong this idiotic and insane fanfiction!"

"WHAT! HOW DID YOU KNOW? DID THE SMILING CATS TELL YOU?"

Diao Chan glared at Kotaro, who quickly cleared his throat and tried to adjust his collar. Sadly, he was not wearing one.

"I mean...continue. The winds of chaos will speed your message along."

"Oh no, you don't. Go look for a rip in space-time or something."

"Very well."

Fuuma Kotaro whizzed by, leaving an afterimage, inspecting the room for any dimensional disturbances using a monocle he had somehow collected.

Meanwhile, Diao Chan wrote that her look suited her role as a seductress, and her new weapon was much mroe graceful than her two giant maces, and much less prone to comparison with her bosom.

Zhang Jiao wrote (while still TRRRRAAAAANSCRRRIIIIBING his AAAACCCEEENT like THISSSSS) that his robes, besides being pure yellow, were suitably elaborate, as was the rest of his outfit. He mentioned his hair and beard, along with his new necklace and weapon. The staff's edges resembled flame which suited his powers and his fighting style was, according to him, decreed by heaven.

When they had finally finished it, Diao Chan grabbed Zhang Jiao's notes and placed a finger to her lips, gesturing the turban leader to shut up. She wrapped her whip around them and flung them towards the studio, hastily reeling it in again.

Kotaro's head snapped back towards his charges.

"CABBAGE! I have failed here...I will not fail at the Taj Mahal!"

The ninja vanished, once more leaving behind a ghostly image.

_-Weapon-only section…-_

Yuan Shao looked over the modest hotel room and turned his nose up.

"Hmmph! This frugal room is practically BLASPHEMY! They can't expect me, the NOBLE Yuan Shao, to wait in these quarters! It's MADNESS!"

"SPARTA!"

"AHHHHHH!"

Yuan Shao fell back at the sudden appearance of Fuuma Kotaro.

"…What…they send a feral, dirty, PEASANT after me? !"

"Peacock man. I come to fulfil my mandate. Tell me where it hurts."

"…Eh?"

"You are in the Taj Mahal. Inform me of your grievances."

"Ohhh. You mean my weapon?" the snob asked. Kotaro shrugged.

"If you wish to call it that, then yes."

Yuan Shao held out his new sword. It started out thin and got wider, branching out, much like a cross between Kenshin Uesugi's sword and Jiang Wei's trident blade.

"This abomination is not in the least graceful! I picked it because the label said ceremonial, but I had no idea it looked like THIS! It's just wide and stupid! I, head of the Yuan family, deserve only the best!"

"Chrysler building. Chaos has noted that we are both unaligned. Yet the Petronas Towers state that I am more popular."

"Uh? YOU? More popular than ME? Ridiculous! How can I NOT be the most popular character with my dashing new outfit? !"

Kotaro snorted.

"Chaos is as banana does. The fangs of the Cheshire cat glow in the full moon."

"Wait, stop talking nonsense and listen to me, you fool!"

"I have what I need. The ladder, it calls to you. But do not walk under it, however great the temptation. Goodbye."

Kotaro extended one of his ninja gauntlets and gripped onto the entrance of the room, pulling himself there as if he were one of several snag-then-pull characters.

_-Design and weapon section…-_

Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu. Their father son bond was practically nonexistent. However, this day, they were united by common ground: They hated their costumes and their weapons.

"Pig! Eating all those croissants will not help your figure one bit!"

"But Lu Bu! They're delicious!"

Kotaro glided in soundlessly while the two of them bickered. He got their attention by stretch-grabbing the plate of pastries and subsequently torching it with a fire jutsu.

"Speak. The contact lenses of Heimdall compel you."

Dong Zhuo swallowed the croissant he had in his mouth and stared dumbfoundedly. Lu Bu snarled and responded the way he always did.

"FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WORTHY TO INTERVIEW THE MIGHTY LU BU? !"

Kotaro nodded.

"No."

"But you just nodded," the evil prime minister pointed out.

Kotaro shook his head.

"Yes."

"Then what…ARGH! FORGET IT! Just listen to us and we can forget this whole debacle ever happened! Right. Pig daddy. You go first."

Dong Zhuo huffed.

"I am NOT a pig!" he squealed. However, he still waddled to the ninja.

"So yeah, I was real happy with the figure I had the last two games! I was all buff and strong!"

"You were fat."

"Quiet, boy! I was big boned! AND I could kick ass with that sword of mine! All the ladies loved me!"

"No, they didn't."

"Quiet!"

Kotaro looked at his wrist as if he were telling time.

"Could we speed this up? I have some UFO rumours to spread."

"The point is, I feel I was GRAVELY victimised by this NEW look of mine! Everything's fatter! My body, my hands, my face, my weapon…and another thing! This mace doesn't make the least bit of sense for me!"

"Yes it does. You look exactly like you should have."

Dong Zhuo gritted his teeth and sputtered.

"FTTRSSFFGNGNGNG!! YOU…YOU…YOOOUUUUU!"

Dong Zhuo grabbed a charred croissant off the plate Kotaro grabbed and swallowed it, only to start choking.

"Lu Bu! HELP ME!"

Lu Bu knocked the fat man down on his back.

"Good riddance. And you! Say I'm a cockroach and you die!"

"I don't think you're a cockroach. The black carapace and long feelers clearly resemble the hippopotamus."

Lu Bu's eyes widened.

"WHAT?"

"Yes. And that artefact you are carrying…it reminds me of the geisha umbrellas of my homeland."

Lu Bu shook his head and held his weapon up.

"Y'know, I thought things couldn't get any worse, but I was WRONG. Dull armour, stupid helmet, and a weapon that makes no sense, and now YOU."

Kotaro simply held his hands up.

"Strike me down, and I shall become deader than you could possibly imagine."

Lu Bu yelled and swung his cross-blade, but to his dismay, his angle was all wrong and the blades which would normally have cut through steel landed to the sides of the ninja.

"DAMMIT!"

Kotaro nodded silently.

"My work here is done. Chaos has been spread to the Koei studios. Now…vanish!"

The ninja threw down a smoke bomb, flooding the area with dark smog while laughing maniacally. However, when the smoke cleared, he was still there.

"…Oh right. Run away."

**To Be Concluded**

Author's notes: Wow! I can't believe I made it this far! Only the unaligned characters are left, and after that, a bonus dedicated to the Dynasty Warriors 6 Special coming out for the PS2! Stay tuned!


	6. Special

**Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling**

**Summary:** With the designs discussed, one last meeting is called to deal with the special PS2 release, and with it, radical new fighting styles…

**Disclaimer:** Koei owns Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE! Also, the opinions expressed in this fanfiction are all strictly my observations. Also, characters are placed in their sections partly because of my opinions and partly because I think it's what they'd say. I might be perfectly happy with a look even if a character isn't, and vice versa.

I also think this chapter warrants that Gundam is the property of Bandai, created by Tomino-san, if I'm not mistaken. If I'm not, they'll just have to deal with it!

**Author's notes:** Finally! The end! I'm not sure how many of you are still around or how enjoyable this was, but I'm glad if anybody is still around. Thanks a bunch!

Once more, I would appreciate it if you used the reviews to review the STORY, not the designs. Nothing wrong there, it's just that that sort of thing is more suited to a forum where more people would readily respond instead of one crazy author with too much free time on his hands. XD

_**Chapter 6: The Special**_

Space! As the famous mobile suit carrier White Base orbits the planet Earth, our heroes-

"Waaaaaiiiiiit a second, waaaaiiiiiit a second!" an irritated Ling Tong piped up. "And WHY are we in space of all places?"

Li Wen sighed, irritated at his narrative's interruption.

"And just why are you talking aloud like that?" the ever observant Yue Ying questioned. Ignoring her stupid query, Li Wen turned around, broad rimmed hat on his head, trying to quell the feelings of annoyance in his heart.

"You DO realise that just because you don't have inverted comas doesn't mean we can't hear you? You're speaking aloud," the arrogant and petulant Cao Pee sneered.

"HEY! It's pronounced SOW PAY, not COW PEE!"

Hmm. It would appear there really IS a fault in the narrative.

"Just tell us why we're here," the direct warrior Taishi Ci sighed wearily.

"As well as why we're here in this sparse, cold and _devoid of style_ metal prison!" a certain clawed warrior exclaimed.

"Hey!"

The warriors turned to face the new voice of one Captain Bright Noa, commander of the White Base and famed character of Gundam fame!

"You crazy folks are in my ship, you'll follow my rules!"

Li Wen cleared his throat, asserting his authority once more.

"Well, to answer your questions, you recall that the studio was wrecked by the Gundam cast because of that Dynasty Warriors Gundam debacle?"

The Chinese warriors all murmured to one another in agreement.

"Well, we worked out an agreement that they'd host the Special interviews if we wouldn't sue them, or worse, stop making crossovers with them."

"It was a BUUUURNIIIIIIIIIING SETTLEMENT! We narrowly avoided a COURTROOM BATTLE! READYYYYY GOOOOOOO!"

Awkward silence filled the bridge. The new challenger stuck out in the room almost as much as the Dynasty Warriors, considering he wasn't even in the original Gundam, though he DID represent Japan in some sort of giant robot contest.

"HEY! I'll have you know that G-Gundam was a BUUUUURNIIIIIIING SUCCESS! LET'S GO, GUNDAM BATTLE! READYYYYY GOOOOO!"

Domon's fingers promptly snapped, buying the crew a few minutes as he looked around, awaiting his Gundam to come crashing through the ship.

(Author's notes: The staff would like to apologise to fans of both G-Gundam and/or the character Domon Kasshu for the exploitation of both this joke and this untrue portrayal at the character's expense)

"……Riiiiiiiiiight. Anyways, the point, people, is that you six were lucky enough to get new weapons and fighting styles. Therefore, it is my unfortunate duty to gather your opinions. Now, since there are so few of you, we'll be going by Kingdoms instead of who hates what. Now, Shu will go with Amuro because he's the hero, Wu will go to the mess hall with Char because he's red and has been both an ally _and_ a backstabbing bastard, and Wei will be situated at the oversized, overpowered, oh-Lord-how'd-we-get-that-in-here Psycho Gundam with Kamille because he has blue hair. Now, if you'll just follow your officers…"

"WAIT!" Cao Pi interjected. "Go back to what you said just now!"

"Uhhh….if you'll just follow your officers-"

"No, no, the bit before!"

"Oversized, overpowered, oh-Lord-how'd-we-get-that-in-here Psycho Gundam?"

The heir to Wei got up and raised his hands to the heavens in victory.

"YEEEEEEEEEES!"

Another awkward silence.

"Right then! Let's get started!"

As the kingdoms left and began to follow their officers, Cao Pi turned to Zhang He and hunched down.

"Right, Zhang He, listen carefully," he whispered. "We have been given a golden opportunity that may win us all of China!"

"_ALL_ OF CHINA?" the fruity assassin squealed in delight, causing their officer to glare at them. Cao Pi punched Zhang He in the gut and, while his officer was doubled over in pain, waved at the officer who shrugged and continued walking. That smile soon vanished as Cao Cao's son pulled Zhang He by the ear.

"Quiet, you fool! Are you not aware that we are in a ship full of formidable fighters from the future, with their various death shooters, walking suits of armour, flying ships and space clothes?! They catch wind of what we're doing and our goals are sunk!

"Yes, _all_ of China! You remember Warriors Orochi?"

"Not particularly, no, though that Mitsunari was a delicious piece of eye candy…" Zhang He murmured absentmindedly. Cao Pi slapped him around again.

"These fools are now a part of our world! We can interact with them just as we interacted with Japan! You know what THIS means?"

Zhang He gasped in realisation.

"Yes!"

"Good!"

"It means I finally get a chance to gather new fashion tips from the future and be part of a new trend! AND those masks these people wear! MUCH more fashionable than that brute Wei Yan!"

Cao Pi growled and kicked Zhang He forward, continuing their trek.

"What part of an oversized, overpowered, oh-Lord-how'd-we-get-that-in-here machine that we can steal do you NOT understand, fool?!"

Zhang He snorted dismissively.

"Milord, no offense, but _less_ is the new _more_."

_-Amuro's room…-_

"Right, then," renowned protagonist Amuro Ray, pilot of the original RX-78 Gundam mobile suit, began, "Let's get started. Uhh…where's your friend?"

Yue Ying sighed and jerked a thumb in the direction of the doorway. A sliding noise was heard. Amuro turned and saw Ma Chao, giant sword in hand, trying to force his way through the hallway.

"Why…won't…you…move…!" the cavalryman cursed at his ornate sword which looked more at home in an actual anime than in the world of Dynasty Warriors.

Amuro scratched his head in confusion.

"Why're you trying to get it in sideways? Couldn't you…y'know…turn it and pull it in?"

Ma Chao grunted with effort as he strenuously tugged and pulled.

"That…is not…the way…of the warrior…! Now…get…here…!"

Before Amuro could protest, Ma Chao had forced the flat of his blade through the doorway, destroying it, and bashing through a wall that separated Amuro's room from another character's.

A girl screamed as everyone looked to see an attractive blonde in the shower, grabbing the drapes of her bathtub and pulling at them desperately.

"S-S-Saayla!"

"AMURO! WHAT are you DOING?!"

"It's…it's not what you think!"

"You damnable little PERVERT! You'd actually BREAK MY WALL DOWN!"

Ma Chao sheepishly threw his sword away, breaking down another of Amuro's doors (it was his closet door) and hastily apologised.

Yue Ying sighed and raised her hands defensively.

"Alright, alright, we're sorry, just calm down and-"

Unfortunately, Yue Ying's arm-blade/crossbow hybrid accidentally sprang open, causing her to yelp in surprise and fall over. The weapon discharged a magical fireball, hitting the shower rail and causing the whole thing to fall over. The female pilot screamed in both humiliation and rage. Ma Chao got a nosebleed and fainted. Yue Ying ducked to avoid various bathroom items being thrown, said items promptly nailing the first and greatest Gundam hero. All hell was breaking loose, just as it should in my stories.

_-The mess hall…-_

The warriors of Wu (well, two of them anyways) sat down as they were interviewed by the Red Comet himself, chosen to represent the red team.

"Right, let's get started, guys. You-"

"Hold up, hold up, hold up!" Ling Tong interrupted.

"_We're_ hungry. We can't do this on an empty stomach!"

"You're legendary warriors and you can't go without food for five minutes?" Char irritably demanded.

"Well, yeah."

"Besides, we routinely eat health items on the field!"

Char sighed and waved at the cafeteria boys, who promptly delivered trays with some modern food.

"…what is this?"

"…it's a ham sandwich."

"Well, we're not eating it! It's weird!"

"It's bread and meat, you fools! With mayo!"

"What's a mayo?"

Taishi Ci put the meal in his mouth and took a bite, cringing slightly as he did. However, as he chewed and chewed, his face lit up.

"Ling Tong! You've gotta try this!" he exclaimed as he swallowed the mouthful.

"Eh?"

Ling Tong did as he was told and followed Taishi Ci's discoveries of taste.

"Heeey! This is pretty good!"

The warriors soon devoured their sandwiches. An impatient Char cleared his throat and gestured to them.

"Right. Are we done? Can we CONTINUE?"

"Hold on, hold on, we're your guests, right? So we're making ourselves right at home! And didn't you say we had unlimited access?" Ling Tong questioned.

"I said no such thing!" Char shouted tiredly.

"BUT NOTHING! We are still accessing!" the sarcastic warrior retorted without actually listening.

"Bring us another one of these!"

The Red Comet who went by any number of aliases sighed and rubbed his mask.

"_Let's go talk to them_, says Amuro…_we have every right since the crossover_, he said…_it's a perfectly good idea_ my ass…"

Char, of course, neglected to remember that he was equally enthusiastic about asking about his new designs, particularly his infamous mask.

"Hey! Food person! What else you got!" Taishi Ci yelled after licking mayonnaise off his fingers.

"It's pizza night!"

_-The hangar…-_

Kamille Bidan, being blue-haired, was the natural choice to handle Wei. The heir of Wei and the fashion-conscious (VERY fashion-conscious) officer were sitting atop the massive dark Psycho Gundam, so large and so powerful one wonders how they managed to fit it in the hangar of the ship.

"Fascinating! So…this machine is controlled by your thoughts?"

Kamille, flattered that people were paying attention to him instead of the various 'classic' main characters, beamed.

"It's a little more complex. Y'see, you need to be a Newtype, and have these psychic powers."

Cao Pi's face fell while Zhang He absentmindedly twirled his hair.

"So…nobody can use it?" the ruler asked. Kamille pondered the question for a second before realising something.

"Well, we DID do something to make it accessible to other pilots players might want to put in it."

((Author's notes: No, I'm not sure whether pilot selection is an option))

"And that is?"

The blue haired hero guided the duo to the cockpit, and pointed out…a Playstation controller.

"…That's it?" the son of Cao Cao sceptically muttered.

"It's surprisingly simple if combat is the only goal you have! Preset combat moves are pre-programmed to activate at the touch of a button, much like the game franchise!"

"And this, by your account, will let ANYONE pilot this giant giant robot?"

Kamille nodded.

"That's about the size of it!"

Cao Pi flashed a wicked smile. As Kamille turned to face them, he was suddenly pushed off the robot, left floating helplessly in zero-gravity.

"Goodbye! We have no more use for you!"

"You can't do this! I'm interviewing you!"

"Zhang He, hold him off!" the swordsman ordered as he scrambled into the pilot's seat. Zhang He laughed in his usual manner and trotted his high heels.

"Now WHY would I want to hold off a deliciously handsome chap like that? Hold ON makes more sense!"

Kamille screamed and quickly grabbed onto something to pull himself away from Zhang He, thereby leaving the Wei ruler free to hijack the Psyco Gundam.

"Zhang He, with this machine of war, we'll finally take over China!"

Zhang He yawned.

"Yes, yes, yes…but I can't help but feel this garish machine is a waste of fashion…"

_-Amuro's room…-_

Amuro had finally sealed up the huge break in the wall (after suffering at the hands of Saayla, the blonde they 'walked in on' in her bath). The brown haired original hero sighed, wiping the sweat from his brow in relief.

"Well, now that that's over with, perhaps we can discuss your movesets!"

Ma Chao pointed at the sword which he left in Amuro's closet.

"Does it LOOK like I love my moveset? Do you THINK I want to be an anime hero with an oversized sword meant to overcompensate for a tiny d-"

"DAMN IT, man!" Amuro shouted, "We don't mention the unmentionables!"

Yue Ying cleared her throat obnoxiously, causing Ma Chao to glare at her.

"I dunno, Ma Chao. It's hard to tell whether you'd like to be an anime hero or not…I mean, you bought that custom ninja forehead protector using the studio's e-Bay system…"

Ma Chao snorted indignantly.

"Naruto is not your typical anime, it is destined to transcend history!"

Amuro scoffed.

"Please. Naruto can't hold a candle to us! We're among the first of the greats!"

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!"

The trio paused.

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!"

"Amuro, is that you?"

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!"

Amuro laughed.

"Oh, no, it's just my custom ringtone for when Char calls. Hang on."

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!"

Amuro flipped his cell open and answered it.

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!" he shouted as an opening. "What's up?"

Ma Chao and Yue Ying could still hear the conversation. The workmen had forced them to huddle to avoid sawdust and space bacteria.

"Amuro, I've got good news, bad news, and worse news."

"Oh dear. Well, go on."

"Good news is, Ling Tong and Taishi Ci absolutely adore their new movesets."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. Taishi Ci is glad he got his two bludgeons back, and Ling Tong loves the martial arts deal they gave him again. He also wants me to say 'haha, look who's got the fastest mounted attack, hahaha, hahaha, haha'."

Ma Chao fumed at the impudence of Wu's latest officer.

"Bad news, Amuro, is that Cao Pi seems to have hijacked the Psyco Gundam and is on a rampage."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, we're sending guys to stop him, so you'd better join us when you're done."

"Well, what could possibly be worse than the Psyco Gundam in the hands of a megalomaniacal egomaniac like Cao Pi?!"

"Taishi Ci and Ling Tong loved the food so much they had a bite too many. They're so fat now, you'd need a mobile suit to lift them. I don't think they'll ever star in another Warriors game…"

"And that's worse than the Psyco Gundam HOW? !"

Char shrugged.

"Hey. We've ALL faced giant, overpowered robots with convenient weaknesses at some point or another in our lives. What's one more?"

Amuro paused to think about that.

"Y'know, I think you have a point. Right, I'll see you later.

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!"

Amuro closed his phone and turned to the warriors.

"GIANT ROBOT! ON THE LOOSE! WE NEED TO STOP IT!"

"Yeah, we heard you on the phone."

"And must you always shout at Char like that?"

"Hey, it's one of my things."

_-The cafeteria…-_

The crew and the guests rushed to the cafeteria where the Psyco Gundam was advancing. Curiously, though, it hadn't crushed White Base apart with its mass. Apparently, this ship was custom built to support mobile suit battles in ALL its areas. Even the washrooms. Which meant those were some HUUUUUUUGE washrooms.

Taishi Ci and Ling Tong, with extremely huge stomachs, groaned as they rolled out of their chairs.

"Ling Tong…what do you think…all the noise is about?" Taishi Ci asked weakly as the alarm klaxons sounded.

"No…idea…you think…I could get…some Cheetos?"

"Get your own…!"

Ling Tong laughed as they crawled like immense gastropods.

"Good luck…tearing the pack…open……Your fingers are…just as greasy…as mine…if not more so, fried chicken man!"

The two warriors, exposed to the horrors of future food, glared at each other when they felt the earth shake again. Char tried dragging them up, but failed to do more than prop them against a wall.

"Do something! Your idiotic co-workers have just stolen one of our most prized possessions!"

"Ooo! You mean the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices?"

"NO! The OTHER prized possession!"

A laser blast impacted near the trio, leaving a giant smoking crater.

"Ohhhhh. The robot." Taishi Ci murmured in realisation.

"Why didn't you tell us you had something like that robot!" Ling Tong demanded.

"We DID! We said Wei would be interviewed at the Psyco Gundam!"

"……Well, then, why didn't you make us pay attention!"

Char sighed.

"Can't you DO something?!"

Ling Tong scoffed.

"Oh, gee, we'd love to, mister Comet of the Opera or whatever your nickname is, but…we kinda seem to be stuck like this!"

The Red Comet (with a partial resemblance to the Phantom of the Opera) groaned. Then, the gigantic Gundam fired a blast which blew up the lunchroom in an explosion of grease and cooking oil.

It was as if a chasm had opened up in the clogged up hearts of the warriors.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"I WAS GOING TO TRY A CORDON BLEU!!!!"

The cordon bleu, as we all know, is not the black actor of High School Musical known as Corbin Bleu, but a chicken chop dish with cheese and ham stored inside the chicken in addition to the chicken itself. Often served with vegetables and fries, it is delicious.

"That's it!" Ling Tong declared, whipping out his three-sectional staff, "It's GO TIME!"

Ling Tong wrapped the staff around a distant table and started dragging himself towards the giant giant robot, while Taishi Ci embedded his twin rods into the ground and proceeded to hoist himself forwards as if he was rowing a boat.

Domon, in the meanwhile, had been trying to snap his fingers and call his Gundam to him, but to no avail, so he decided to take the Psyco Gundam head on.

"BUUUUUUURNIIIIIIIIING FIIIIIIIINGEEEEEEER!"

With that yell, and focusing his Chi, Domon rushed at the large robot with an outstretched arm and an open palm, his fingers radiating with energy.

A distinct crack was heard as the Gundam Fighter of Neo Japan yelped in pain, holding his hand and its now crooked fingers.

The Psyco Gundam stepped over the character rolling around in excruciating pain, continuing to blast any characters it saw. Zhang He, atop the automaton, yawned.

"YES! YES! This is so much better than that fast sword I got!" Cao Pi declared victoriously. "We're taking characters out left and right!"

Zhang He sighed and shook his head.

"Yes, yes, it's _efficient_, but what happened to FINESSE? Where are the art and the grace? What happened to the artistic slashes that we left along the bodies of our victims? Oh, how I DO miss seeing them gasp for breath as I ripped their clothes to shr-"

The giant giant robot rocked and Zhang He yelled as he stumbled and fell onto the Gundam's shoulder.

"What…what's going on?!"

"Milord…something…is blocking our path!"

"WHAT?!"

Cao Pi tried moving the Gundam, but to no avail. The legs rose and whirred, then jammed, stepping back into place.

"WHAT'S BLOCKING US?!"

Zhang He looked down from his perch, straining his eyes to see what was going on. As soon as he spotted the problem, he exclaimed in disgust.

"Zhang He, what's wrong?!"

"THERE ARE TWO REPULSIVE, WRETCHED, OBESE MEN BLOCKING THE LEGS!! AND THEY'RE ALL ICKY AND GREASY AND GROSS AND I THINK THEIR OILY BODIES ARE RUBBING OFF THE MACHINE!!!"

"WHAT?!"

"GOOD GOD!! I THINK THEY'RE TAISHI CI AND LING TONG!!!"

Cao Pi had no choice but to jump. He couldn't use boosters or lasers as that would have set his stolen machine's legs on fire. The persistent Ling Tong and Taishi Ci grappled and whacked at the robot's legs, their chubby arms barely even chipping the paint job.

"YOU MONSTER!!"

"YOU BLEW IT ALL!!!"

"Zhang He! Get rid of them!" Cao Pi barked. Zhang He shuddered.

"Against THOSE things? Forget it! I'm not messing up my stunning outfit or getting cooking oil on my claws! Besides, my ever so graceful and stylish moveset wouldn't even penetrate all that fat!"

Cao Pi growled. He couldn't blast them...according to the scanners their body was almost entirely made of fat and fatty oils. Even the slightest ignition would cause an explosion that, according to the machine's calculations, would destroy the entire ship.

Amuro skidded to a halt, stopping right beside Char. Yue Ying followed shortly, and Ma Chao could be heard dragging his sword along.

"CHAAAAAAAAAR!

"What's up?"

Char, knocked off balance by the scream, righted himself and rubbed his ears.

"DON'T SHOUT, I'm right beside you, you nincompoop!"

Yue Ying cleared her throat. Having gotten over her radical redesign, she was level headed again.

"We can do this later. Is THAT the machine you meant?"

Yue Ying pointed at the giant black robot jumping around, trying to shake off the obese Ling Tong and Taishi Ci, who were clubbing at it like madmen.

"Yeah. That's the one. We can't mobilise our mobile suits because it wrecked the hangar on its way out!"

"WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!"

Ma Chao breathed heavily and keeled over, dropping his sword as he caught up.

"Right! I'm here! ……My gods, are those Ling Tong and Taishi Ci???"

"Correct. They've eaten so much junk they're almost all fat, oily and greasy. I tried to stop them but-"

"How could you LET something like THAT happen?!" Amuro shouted at his arch nemesis. Char scowled from behind his mask and retorted.

"You want another lawsuit like your brilliant idea to visit these savages? !"

"Oh yeah?! Well-"

Yue Ying ignored the duo while Ma Chao fainted from exhaustion. Utilising the skills she was married for, she analysed the situation and applied her vast array of knowledge to it.

Ling Tong and Taishi Ci…motivated by vengeance, and full of fatty oils. Oils were used in incendiary devices. Ling Tong and Taishi Ci were excreting it at a dangerous rate. They were coating the giant suit of armour in it.

Her crossbow, which shot magical projectiles, more often than not set things on fire. The plan forming in her head was risky, but…

"Li Wen! I'll need to borrow that!"

"Huh?"

Yue Ying grabbed the narrator's trademark razor tipped circular hat and hurled it! That's just not cool, I wasn't even done narrating that plan! Just what on earth-

"So unciviliiiiiiiiiiiised~!"

Oh. The hat hit Zhang He and sent him flying off the robot, taking out one of the people responsible for stealing the robot.

"You could have TOLD me you were gonna do that!"

"No time!" the wife of the Sleeping Dragon protested. "Ling Tong! Taishi Ci! CLIMB, CLIMB, CLIMB!"

"You don't have to tell us twice!" Taishi Ci was able to bark back.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!"

With far less agility than athletes in a rock climbing contest, Ling Tong and Taishi Ci somehow clumsily clambered up the machine while Zhang He, weeping, struggled to fix his nails with the emergency manicure and pedicure sets he kept in his new stockings and gloves.

"Get off, you fools!" the voice of Cao Pi boomed through the machine's speakers. "You're greasing up the joints and getting it oily with your disgusting flabby excuses for bodies! Get off! GET OFF!"

Somehow, miraculously, the warriors of Wu (if you can call them that after putting on a ton of weight) scaled the giant giant robot all the way to its hands, bashing away at its joints. Unfortunately, Cao Pi chose to press triangle, activating the Psyco Gundam's ROCKET GAUNTLETS, launching both of them away and into a wall, carrying them in its fists.

"HOOOOLD IT!" a nasally voice cried, drawing everyone's attention to it. A weedy looking nerd pointed at the Gundam.

"THAT is not technically accurate! Everyone KNOWS that the Psyco Gundam Mark 1 does not possess Zeong-like detachable arms! That is a feature its upgrade, the Psyco Gundam Mark 2, has! Do not review this fanfic, or if you must, do not praise it! It does not even bother to be technically accurate! Eh…what…what? NOOOOO!"

Cao Pi, annoyed at the little nerd, ordered one of the remote controlled arms to plough into him, smashing him into the remains of the food court.

An awkward moment followed as the arms returned to the robot. Everyone just stood silently, thinking of something to say. Cao Pi even ordered his stolen machine to somehow scratch the back of its head.

Yue Ying suddenly remembered what was going on and flipped open her arm-mounted crossbow blade, aiming at the now oiled up tall, black machine.

"Oh, right."

The wife of the Sleeping Dragon fired, magic accumulating in the weapon and discharging in a concentrated ball of energy.

The sensors of the Gundam beeped, alerting Cao Pi of the attack.

"WHAT? Oh no!"

He tried to move it, but he forgot a crucial fact: Oversized giant robots are notoriously slow.

The moment the fireball made contact with the large machine, a chain reaction occurred. Large portions of the mech exploded violently, the rest of it burning like a roman candle. Parts and metal rained down on the crew as they ducked for cover from both the giant ball of fire and the debris. The force of the explosion itself launched an extremely charred Cao Pi out of it, landing him on a crawling Domon Kashhu.

"GET OFF, MAN! YOUR BUUUUURNIIIIING BOOODYYYYYY IS CAUSING ME BUUUUURNIIIIIIIING PAAAAIIIIIIIN!"

"So close…" the son of Cao Cao muttered, "So close…yet so far…China…"

"I don't believe it…" Amuro gasped, "Did those crazy guys just…"

"…save the galaxy?" Char breathlessly finished. His mask had a bit of shrapnel stuck in it, but he'd survived a sword through the mask, so this was nothing.

Yue Ying closed up the crossbow.

"Well. Looks like my moveset, for all its obvious Lara Croft similarities, isn't so peculiar, after all," she remarked with a smile. Suddenly, Bright, captain of White Base, handed her a piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"Oh, that? That's a lawsuit for the damage you've done to the ship as a result of your visit. We're also charging Cao Pi for a grand theft auto."

_-And later, outside the confines of the story, in one of Emei Mountain's caves…-_

"And THAT'S how I carried out the last of the DW6 interviews!" Li Wen proudly finished. However, he was met by light snoring and a deadpan stare.

Z Star, who was sleeping soundly, and Bai Zhi, who was staring at him blankly, were his old comrades in arms from one of the old fics. They were the ones he told his exploits to.

"What, you don't believe me?"

"Li Wen, do you honestly expect us to believe that you worked hard enough to arrange that interview and all the legal details? We know how lazy you are!"

"Well, it DID happen! If you don't believe me, read it for yourself! The whole scandal's on that fanfiction website!"

"Key word being fiction. Besides…how do we know all that mayhem wasn't caused by YOU?"

"I was just a host! An organiser! It was the characters, honest!"

Z Star woke up with a yawn.

"Good story, Li Wen. I haven't had a good nap in ages! Next time I need one, I'll ask you to tell it to me again!"

"But…but…it _wasn't_ a story!"

"One thing, though. If you had all that time to work all that out, couldn't you have just gone on more missions with us?"

"Well, that's a good question, isn't it?"

The duo awaited his reply to that, but nothing came.

"And?"

"What? It's a good question. And I'm sure the answer would be pretty hilarious if I ever figure out what it is!"

Bai Zhi sighed and shook her head, ashamed.

"You used to be cool, Li Wen…you used to be cool…"

**The End!**

Author's notes: That's it! Thanks for waiting, folks! Hope you enjoyed it! And I hope you spotted the cameos at the end!


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